Dear you.

You've left so long ago, why come back now? Why do you always come back at the worst times? Why do you even bother? Don't put the blame on me when you don't know what it is that you want. What do you want me to say? "Oh, okay. SURE!"

Who the fuck do you think I am? Some kind of doormat to you? You come and go as you please. Did you ever think how I would feel after that? How heartbroken I'll be? Because you know how attached I'll get to you?

You come and give me an occasional email. A text once in a while. What do you want me to say or do? Act as though nothing's happened? I dont know what to say to you. You can't come running back to me every damn time you're unsure about yourself so that you an make yourself feel better. Cause you know that there's some part of me that will always love you.

I told myself no more tears. Especially not after what you said that night. I'll never forgive you. But I'll never let you go either.

What am I worth? What do I mean to you?

You've come back after so long. I almost forgot about you. You look better now. Finally doing the things that you love while you ran away into your own little world. I don't have the energy for this. No, not anymore. I feel worn down to my bones because of you. You want to pay your respects to her? Go ahead. But don't ask me to go with you. Because, I won't disrespect her. I loved her with all my life.

I'm going to be there. And if you're there too, good for you. But don't expect anything out of me. Cause I've got nothing left to give.

it feels weird to come back here after all this time.

but im here now.

i dont think there's any explanation is to why ive become such a person. except that i have.

sometimes you dont find honesty in people, simply because they can't be honest to themselves.

take me for instance, i couldnt be honest to myself. i couldnt be the person i am.

i always wanted more. wanting something different.

i wanted to be anyone but me.

in the end, i lost everything.

maybe the trick to finding someone who would love you for who are are, is first to accept yourself.

look at yourself in the mirror, accept your flaws and love yourself.

cause no one will love or respect you if you dont do that yourself.

but who's going to do that?

i know i wont. yeah.

who am i kidding?

im just as fucked up as everyone else out there.

moved to tumblr!
cause haruna made me so tempted. haha.
cousin is flying off to NYC tmr.
hope he gets to see the cast of GG!

i drool because its him.

I've realised that I haven't been blogging as often as I used to, but it isn't bothering me that much. Actually, what bothers me nowadays? Looking at the time now, I know that I'm going to have some trouble waking up. And I obviously need coffee. I've realised that this blog has been lagging in pictures. I plan to rob my cousin of her polaroid camera.
Let's see, the past weekend was a good one. Spent with family, having awesome steamboat and playing mahjong. My first time playing by the way. I suck at it. If i was playing it with real money, I would have lost alot of money. That wouldn't be funny.
I feel that I've been going through some issues that I don't think I should be going through right now. Isuue number 1, commitment. I feel so inadequate. I feel like I'm failing in every way possible. No one deserves this kind of treatment. Especially not you, but I'm keeping my damn mouth shut because I don't want to hurt you. But somehow or rather, I know that I'm going to have to. It's just the matter of time. Maybe I was too eager, maybe I wanted something I don't have and I took things for granted. This is not right. I keep telling myself that. I get emotional over it. But it's true what they say. Easier said than done.

I've planned next year with Sam, its damn fast, I know. And you know what? Seeing Haruna switching to tumblr, makes me feel like doing it too. Damnit.
Too fucking tired to blog anymore.

SO STARSTRUCK.

She takes a long drag of her cigarette and wonders, when you've lost all your will what's the one thing that allows you to live the next day? What pushes her to breathe her next breath? Obligation? The need to? She goes around living her life with no direction and no aim. With black smoke coating her darkened lungs. With a drink in hand. No destination in place. What was she to do? It was not like she bothered or cared about where she was going. She just went. What would you call a person like her?

I've been working to a point where my shoulders ache. But my shoulders ache all the time. I don't really know how to get rid of stiff shoulders. Maybe that's why i scream at people when the start massaging my shoulders. I want to go to Bangkok real soon. I have too many things that I need to buy. I should also probably stop watching Korean shows. They blow my mind out. I can sit infront of the laptop for hours just watching Family Outing. And there are still tv specials of bands and whatnot. It's times like these that I wish I could understand Korean. But life doesn't work that way. Anyone wants to go for Korean lessons with me?

I had a list of things I want to buy. But I guess I really need to change my list due to the fact that there are other more important things that I need and my wants are not as important. There's always Bangkok if Jane finally books the tickets. I might just change my mind and go with D instead.

Anyway, I can't wait for Sunday since it's another family day for the Lee/Goh family. With Mahjong and steamboat. Everything seems to be in order. Except for the fact that I'm going for mass on Sunday morning. Shocker, I know. I shock myself too sometimes. Now the problem is how to go there and get out without anyone knowing.

despite being an avid x-men fan.
i still think wolverine is too overrated here.
hope there's the silver samurai guy.
although wolverine look a tad bit gay here.

colors on the wall.

I find a need to go get more post-its in more colors. Because my wall is in a neat mess of them. Its just weird that the only colors on the wall is neon pink and green. And only two post-its are blue. Need to get prettier ones with more color.
I have a very strong urge to go get Mad Love. It's the comic I've been itching to buy for the longest time. LIKE SERIOUSLY. And to think that I was never a fan of DC comics. Harley Quinn is the best ever. I wanna be her. Even though that sounds slightly mad.
Tanning on Tuesday if I don't get the job.
Busy week. I promise myself that I'm going to write more now. Completed Crystal Meth. Bad ending, I know. I just don't have the patience for that anymore. Not when a better idea comes along and I get so excited with the thought of writing it.
Wait. Neck Cramp.
Got myself more K-pop songs and that makes me a really happy girl. I want to go to Lady GaGa's concert. Mummy's willing to buy me the tickets. But right now I can't find anyone to go with me.
Life's only going to get better. That's what I'm going to tell myself everytime I start to doubt myself. I suddenly enjoy being alone too much.

yeah.